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| What on earth made me think that I wanted to teach High School? I HATED High School...for the most part, what would ever possess me to think that I wanted to go back? Am I insane or what? Life, real life is coming on fast. The world is spinning way too fast. I'm dizzy. And tired. I'm started to feel what i thought I'd never feel towards school - apathy. Which is really bad considering I'm nearing the end. The end. God that sounds ominous doesn't it? Too bad I still act like I'm 14. I'm waaaay too excited for Halloween. And Christmas. Who wants to go ice skating with me this year!?!? And really go, not just say you're gonna and not which is what's been happening for the past couple years now. When did we get too busy to go ice skating? Or Trick-or-Treating? I don't remember that transition.
I want the time to start writing again. To pretend I can paint. To pretend I can play guitar. To pretend I'm creative. To pretend. I hate working two jobs. I think it's slowly killing me childhood.
I have to admit though that it is a nice feeling to know that the Seniors like me better than the other tutor. Score one for Maggie being awesome. I mean I like the kids for the most part. They're growing on me. And sometimes (most times) I want to punch them in the face...but with love. Punch in the face with love. Yea. That's it. I definitely have a greater respect for teachers now than ever before. God we were annoying little fuckers. I wonder if I'm ever going to feel like a grown-up. Instead of just feeling old.
I just want you to love me back.
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| I guess that sometimes - just sometimes - it's nice to be treated like a princess, even though I'd never consider myself as anything even close to one.
I'm starting to feel like we stay together out of fear of dying alone,
I've been slipping through the years, my old clothes don't fit like they once did,
They hang like ghosts of the people I've been,
But it's like my heart can't contain, I fall in love everyday,
And I feel like a fool.
I have to face the truth, that no one could ever look at me like you do,
Like I'm something worth holding onto,
There's times I think of leaving, but I know it's something I'll never do
Because you can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you.
New York. New York. New York. New York. New York. New York. New York. New York.
....and I feel like a fool.
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| School is hard. Life is harder. Sometimes it just seems like it's out to get some people more than others. Even though a big optimistic part of me doesn't want to believe that's true and think that yea bad shit happens but we are all the creators of our own luck. Then again for some people I don't see the truth in that. I really want to believe that someone could control a great deal of the shit that comes their way, I really do. But sometimes I just don't see the way out of it. And there's never any use to lay blame with someone. How do you help someone who doesn't know how or won't help themselves? Is it even my place to try?
Four days. All I wanted was a phone call. A text message. Something. You were right when you said I wouldn't put up with it much longer.
I just don't understand and perhaps I never will.
In other news: I start tutoring high school kids tomorrow. Bright and early. I'm super nervous. I have to dress like a teacher and be all responsible-like. Aw geez. Who woulda thunk it? Me a role model to some kids that are younger than me by a hair. I'm no role model. I can barely hold myself together half the time and even then I'm a conglomerate of glue and tape and stickers and bandages. Oh well. I guess we'll see tomorrow how it goes. That is of course if I don't puke all over myself in the morning. I've been super sick the past couple of days. Poop. I hope I don't infect any of the youngin's.
Q: How does it feel to know what you're worth? To finally know where you stand?
The wind is getting colder my dears. Better start preparing for the cold. I have a feeling it's going to be a long winter. | | |
| One...Two...Three
hold your breath
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And every time I wish,
it was me.
And every time I know,
it won't be.
It will never be me.
Yet, I still hold my breath.
One...Two...Three.
School is already kicking my ass and I'm not even working two jobs yet. I'm definitely dropping a couple classes, just so I can get used to working two jobs and going to school and then maybe make my spring semester a little bit harder. Yea. Sounds good? Sounds good. I'm freaking out. Tell me again why I like school so much?
In other news...wishing on eyelashes can only go so far.
Forever Frustrated (And Always Alliterating)
-Mystified Maggie
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